robbie, i'm calling the police

Sam's Guide to Making Yourself a More Interesting Person

Introducing Yourself

First impressions matter a lot. Make sure you come across as unique, interesting and fun right from the start. Here's an example of how you might achieve this: imagine you've just been approached by an attractive member of the opposite sex at a party:

AMOS: Hello. What's your name?
You: I'm a camel.
AMOS: Sorry?
You: I'm a camel with flaps that you can open up and store compost inside.
AMOS: Do me now.

You see? Just try to be a little bit different when you first meet someone and you'll stand out from the crowd.

Being Witty

The best way to make people think you're interesting is to be witty and jokey at all times. Here are some different ways to achieve this:

1. Sexual Innuendo:

You: Do you like birds?
Other Person: Only big ones.
You: I've got a big one. It's my penis.
Other Person. Oh you're so funny.
You: I've got a massive man-organ.
Other Person: Stop it. You're making me wet myself.

2. Witty Observation

Other Person: I was at the Garden Centre yesterday.
You: I often think going to the Garden Centre is like having a vesectomy – You have an opporation on your man-parts and then you spend the night in hospital.
Other Person: You're so interesting.

3. Lavatorial Humour (Particularly good for the ladies)

Other Person: What a beautiful service. I only wish John had been here to see it.
You: Poo is brown and it smells bad.
Other Person: Make love at me.

4. Breaking Wind

Just do this at regular intervals throughout any covnersation. It's always a winner.

Chatup Lines

The only other thing you need to know to be a truly interesting person is what chatup lines are the most effective. To this end, here's the three lines that will never fail to make members of the opposite sex fall at your feet:

1. "You look good. You'd look better back at my place, naked, while intercourse is happening."
2. "Your eyes are so beautiful that I suspect you stole them from a jewlery shop. I'm calling the police."
3. "I've got something for you in my pocket. It's sex."

So there you have it. Follow these simple tips and you will be an interesting person, constantly surrounded by a cloud of admiring and attractive people who want to screw your brains out. I'm going away to stroke a giraffe now. Have a good night everyone.